Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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