she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
