Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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