I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
