Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
