im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
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I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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