The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
