You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
