OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
