the condom got lost in my hair
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
