the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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