Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
