like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
