I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
