cat food counts as protein by the way
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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