Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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