The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
