hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
