He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
