did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
