Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
