apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
