saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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