are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
