yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
