hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
