By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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