i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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