walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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