my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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