Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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