When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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