Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
