doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
