Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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