I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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