i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
