i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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