im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
