At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
