Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
