I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
