we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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