I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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