I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize