I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
