It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
