Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
