I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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