When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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