I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
