i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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