If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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