The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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