I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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