I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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