I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you win again, gameday.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Come on in and take your pants off
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