I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We named our party play list daddy issues
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
