I haven't been this sober since birth.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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