Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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