you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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