Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor