I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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