K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that