I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
