We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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